PLAYBOY: What the biggest difference between now and before you were famous?
DOCTOR Z: I guess the big difference between now and before I was famous would be the hair. You wouldn’t know it but I was born with naturally curly hair. They used to compare me to a young Leo Sayer. But with fame comes money and the ability to afford hairstylist to the stars, Jose Ebert, who, as you can see, does a beautiful blowout.
PLAYBOY: What was the first thing you bought when you finally had enough money to buy anything you wanted?
DOCTOR Z: A Tony Curtis clown painting. I felt bad and tried to do him a solid. He was down on his luck because he had sunk all his money into Tony Toupees. I told him, “At least make the chin straps skin color”, but he wouldn’t listen. To show his appreciation he did a portrait of me after which he said the hardest thing to capture was my child bearing hips. Needless to say we never spoke again.
PLAYBOY: What’s in your pockets now?
DOCTOR Z: I grew up very poor and as a result I always feel I need to have as much survival gear on me as possible. So right now it would be like Opie emptying his pockets on the The Andy Griffith Show. Oh look, a slingshot, some jacks, a Little Orphan Annie decoder ring and a live frog. And that’s just the left pocket. Right pocket, cherry chapstick. Did you know LA is actually a desert? It’s dryer than the goddamn forbidden zone.
PLAYBOY: Mick Jagger used to say he didn’t want to be doing what he was
doing when he was 40. How about yourself?
DOCTOR Z: No one knows how old I am and we’re going to keep it that way. But Jagger, come on. Don’t we all wish he had stuck to his word? Seeing him perform now is like watching a bag full of pool cues blow around in the wind. And I swear I can hear his bones clanking together every time we hike Fryman. It’s all I can do to stop myself from yelling “Yahtzee!”
PLAYBOY: Is it possible nowadays to be a Renaissance ape—someone who’s equally at home in the arts and the sciences?
DOCTOR Z: Let me clear something up so there’s no confusion. A
podiatrist is a real doctor. And I’m a damn good one. In fact, I did such a good corn removal on William Conrad that he was able to complete two extra seasons of Cannon. And let me tell you, a William Conrad corn ain’t no joke. I first thought it was an unborn twin. But I don’t really practice medicine anymore. Showbiz has been my main patient for years now
and let me tell you she’s got a healthy heartbeat!
PLAYBOY: Are there any figures in American history you identify with?
DOCTOR Z: Whenever I find myself vexed or faced with a hard decision or in a conundrum, if you will, and I know that whatever I decide will have huge ramifications, not just for myself but for all the people in my life, I always ask myself the same thing. What would Klaus Von Bulow do?
PLAYBOY: You’ve met many of the great men and women of your time. Is
there any living person you’d still like to meet?
DOCTOR Z: I can name a whole bunch of people I wish I’d never met. Would that be good for your little interview? Like a very drunk Gene Rayburn who kept following me around trying feed me a banana at Gavin McCloud’s Love Boat-themed BBQ back in ’78. I tried to shake him but he wouldn’t get the message so I pushed him in the pool. Turns out swimming’s not his thing. He was legally dead for 19 minutes before Doc aka Bernie Kopell, yes he’s a real doctor, revived him. First thing Gene says when he comes to? “Banana make fart!” Obviously a touch of brain damage. Didn’t affect his hosting though. Side note. Gavin’s party turned out to be a giant time share pitch. He was trying to start a cult outside Reno and wanted everyone to buy their own yurts. Took me 3 years to unload that thing.
PLAYBOY: How would you like the world to remember you?
DOCTOR Z: That I was just a regular ape who made it big through a combination of perseverance, luck and talent. But most of all, that I had almost nothing to do with the Kennedy assassination.
